The Fan Club
by ChaoticIrony
Summary: The Uchiha Clan's heir may be a genius, but he is failing them in the one area the clan needs him most. Desperate for help, they turn to their Hokage, who brews up a plan that may very well light a fire under his pants for good.


**A/N: Warning: May contain fluff and ridiculousness. **

**This is really just an excuse to have some light-hearted fun, after writing angsty dramas for too long now, and I have been itching to write Itachi for a while now. Don't tell Kakashi, but I think Itachi has managed to just knock him off the top of my favourite men of Naruto list.**

**I can't promise anything, but I'm hoping to be able to update this quite regularly.**

******Characters (except for one or two of my own) belong to Masashi Kishimoto, as does the Naruto universe. Plot is mine.**

* * *

Fugaku Uchiha did not sigh often. It was a rare event, much like a celestial comet, or a solar eclipse. One that was often connected inextricably with other, mundane events, which then inevitably grew to the heights of legend. Tales such as; "Do you remember when we dropped dango on Uncle Fugaku's new shoes, and he _sighed_?

Well, maybe it wasn't that bad. But it was unusual. Like most Uchiha, he kept his emotions hidden away beneath multiple layers of absolute stoic control, to the point where he wasn't even sure himself that he had actually experienced an emotion in the first place.

Lately, however, he had found himself sighing much more frequently, and it always seemed to connect back to one or the other of his two sons.

He wished for the hundredth time that day that Mikoto was still alive. She would have known exactly how to deal with those boys, and would have done so swiftly and efficiently, knowing precisely which buttons to press to motivate (or suppress, as it may be) either of them, as if they were mere puppets, and she the puppetmaster.

But she was not here, and he was left trying to deal with the problems that came with fathering two young men who were as different as chalk and cheese.

Which brought him to where he was right now; sitting in the Hokage's office, trying not to sigh at the prospect of asking for help from someone outside of the Uchiha clan.

Fugaku suspected that his youngest was the cause of his nearly constant migraines, as he was certain that they had coincided with around about the time that Sasuke had turned sixteen. Sasuke had become an excellent shinobi, as Fugaku had known he would. He was no Itachi, and would never be, but he was an S-class Jounin with an impeccable mission record.

But, and there was no other way to say this, the boy simply _could not keep it in his pants_.

Far too regularly for Fugaku's liking came evidence of the fact. Either he heard it in the form of gossip through the constantly flapping lips of the clan women, or he was awakened by his overly alert senses to the sounds and smells of a clearly inebriated Sasuke climbing back into his bedroom window night after night, drenched in the tell-tale stench of lipstick and perfume. More often than not he unwillingly overheard his lecherous nephew Shisui spreading the filthy details to anyone who would listen.

Yes, Sasuke was definitely the number one cause of the decrease in Fugaku's emotional control.

However, recently Itachi had become a problem as well. And, ridiculously, it was for exactly the opposite reason.

The clan elders had begun to chew Fugaku's ear off about just when Itachi was going to settle down enough to produce his own heir. So far, Itachi had shown not a single inclination towards the opposite sex, much to their intense disapproval. It had even lead to an incredibly awkward scene between father and son, after the elders had insisted that Fugaku ask Itachi outright if he had inclinations towards men instead. Sometimes, Fugaku cursed being the head of such a clan. He had also been slightly awed and envious at his eldest son's own self control, as Itachi showed not a miniscule of shock at the question, answered smoothly in a monotone, "No, Otousan.", and only after leisurely finishing his breakfast, left the kitchen, and proceeded to avoid his father for the remainder of the week.

The boy was an enigma. Fugaku had not a single doubt that Itachi could probably fight the entire Uchiha clan at once and come out unscathed. He was just that good as a shinobi. Fugaku had known since he was a child that Itachi was a one in a million prodigy; he had set his own goals for advancement and surpassed them every time. He was also more intelligent than anyone Fugaku had ever known. He spent all of his spare time either reading or training, reading or training. He never seemed to desire time in his life for anything else.

Which was what Fugaku's current problem all came down to. Both Fugaku and the clan elders were at a loss as to how to orientate the man in a romantic direction. Itachi was twenty-eight years old. Most of the other shinobi he had grown up with had their own families by now, yet Itachi seemed absorbed by a world of his own, one where a family was not even considered. The council had tried to arrange dates with women that they deemed eligible, yet Itachi's intelligence had backfired on them every time. He could always seem to provide a reason why one girl or other was not suitable; for him, or for the clan. His in-depth knowledge regarding the girls' backgrounds had startled Fugaku, to the point where he had begun to suspect that Itachi had been running background checks on every single woman in the village, just so that he would have ammunition to use against them. Which would not entirely surprise him. That was just the kind of eccentric genius Itachi possessed.

So now, the clan had become desperate, and in their desperation the wily old bastards had managed to lump it all back on Fugaku. Itachi was to be at the very least in a serious relationship with someone by the end of the year, or the clan would find themselves a new heir. Fugaku was told in no uncertain terms that it would not be Sasuke either.

Fugaku had spent the last three nights tossing and turning, and dwelling on the situation at hand. And finally, last night he had managed to at least lay the situation out logically, as he might have done going into a particularly difficult mission. The pertinent facts were as follows. Itachi could not be persuaded by himself or the elders to date. He was as stubborn as the day was long, and had never been persuaded into something he didn't already believe in. Losing the title of heir was also not a motivating factor for him. He had made it clear on several occasions that clan politics were a thorn in the clan's side; as long as the heir was an Uchiha it made little difference who that someone was.

Fugaku needed help, and he suspected, help of the feminine persuasion would be best.

Which was why he now sat in front of the fifth, asking for her advice. Trying desperately to swallow down that sigh.

The Godaime had swung herself around to slouch back in her chair and prop her long legs up on the windowsill of the giant glass pane behind her desk, her hands clasped in her lap, looking out thoughtfully over the village below as he presented her with his not so little problem. He thought her mannerisms highly unprofessional for a Hokage. Which was probably only because he was trying to distract himself from the overwhelming feeling of vulnerability as he laid out the very personal problems of his clan as if he were a patient confessing to his shrink. He felt like he should be lying on a couch while she scribbled in a notepad nodding her head every so often.

He had finished his explanation now, and waited with utmost patience as she ruminated on a possible solution. He was mildly surprised that he didn't have to wait long.

She swung her legs down suddenly and turned back to face him. "The solution is obvious."

He raised a salt-and-pepper eyebrow ever so slightly in invitation for her to continue. Inside he was jumping up and down with a ludicrous amount of impatience.

"He'll have to fall in love."

Fugaku was dumbfounded. If this was her idea of helping, he would have been better off asking Orochimaru. He allowed some emotion to seep through into his expression, looking at the woman as if she were onigiri without rice. "I...don't understand your point Hokage-sama. That's the end result. Not the solution."

"Utter rubbish." Her blatant disrespect was always a pleasure. "That's how a clan thinks, Fugaku, and how well has that worked for you so far?"

His silence answered her for him.

"You said it yourself; Itachi is not the type of man who can be persuaded into anything. Therefore, the only solution is that he come to the conclusion that we want him to, himself. All he needs is to be manoeuvred into the right situation."

Fugaku looked more confused than ever. "It's...not like women find him unattractive, though," He grudgingly admitted, shifting uncomfortably. "Surely he finds himself in the "right" situations all the time. Kami knows, Sasuke seems to have no trouble." He mumbled the last part under his breath.

He hated the way she looked at him as if it was obvious, yet at the same time her smile reminded him of the looks Mikoto used to give him when 'educating' him about their boys.

"Fugaku, as a captain, Itachi spends most of his time around ANBU. Faceless, emotionless, genderless ANBU is not a recipe for romance."

Fugaku grunted. He had never thought of it like that before.

She tapped her nails thoughtfully against her teeth. "He may be able to refuse to date, but he can't refuse legitimate orders from his Hokage." Her eyes were lighting up as she concocted her plan. "No, what we need is to force him into as many situations as possible with some carefully selected ladies."

"And how, exactly do you plan on doing that?"

Her eyes gleamed. "I think I have an idea. You just leave it to me."

Fugaku let out the long contained sigh as he left the Hokage's office.

Somehow he had the unnerving feeling that he had just unleashed all hell upon his eldest son.

* * *

"W-why do you think we're here, I-Ino?"

The delicate Hyuuga heiress looked terrified as she perched on the edge of her seat. In fact, she looked like she was on the verge of vomiting with fear.

"I have no idea, Hinata," Ino told her for what seemed the hundredth time. She frowned. It _was_ rather strange that the entire Itachi Fan Club seemed to have been summoned to the Hokage's office all at the same time, and were now waiting outside her office while the vibrations of her voice radiated out through the heavy door. Ino did not envy the poor sap who was currently being chewed out in there.

The last time this had happened, they had been called the Sasuke Fan Club. Same members, different idol. Several years ago, they had all grudgingly admitted that they now found the elder Uchiha far more attractive, and had decided to go for a full switch. They had been more than willing to fork out the extra cost to change their letterhead, stamps, cards, stickers, journals, and even each burn their underwear with Sasuke's name written in them lovingly in marker pen and write Itachi's name even more lovingly in their new ones. Though they had found it nigh impossible to collect any personal items from the highly reclusive man to place on their altar, and had to be content with a paper cup he had drunk from that Tenten had fished out of the recycle bin.

This had all coincided quite forcefully with the younger Uchiha's newly acquired 'reputation'.

Sasuke had become a slut. Most of them had had him now at least once, and in having him had found that he wasn't actually the god that they had envisioned him to be. Disappointment reigned supreme, and membership had waned to near non-existence.

Then Itachi had been presented with the Shinobi of the year award at a presentation in front of the entire village. There was nothing unusual about this; he won it every year without fail. Only this time, a handful of hormonal teenage girls were in desperate need of a new idol. Their eyes gleamed with a predatory fever as the more beautiful version of their previous idol was praised in near god-like fashion, and the rest was history. Sasuke had been ousted from his throne without so much as a single shed tear. Once they had announced through the female ranks who their new king was, membership had ironically swelled again, although, in recent years, as more of their members got married and were forced (usually by their new husbands) to resign it had dropped back to mostly the founding members.

Which brought Ino back to why they could possibly have all been called here today. The last time this had happened, when they had still been Team Sasuke, they had gotten in no small amount of trouble for stealing Sasuke's hitae-ate. Sakura had nabbed it from him during one of their team's undercover missions, hoping he would think he lost it, but Kakashi had used his blasted dogs to track it right to their evidence-covered altar.

The Hokage had made them shovel shit (literally, she sent them to work at a fertiliser farm), for a whole week, yet despite the punishment, Ino could remember the Hokage having quite a good dose of amusement behind her eyes. Ino half wondered if the Hokage was one of their 'silent members'. There were one or two of those; women who did not want it known that they were in the club so signed up to their weekly newsletter only under an alias.

She looked around the small waiting area and noted that all but one of their 'out' members was there. There was the Hyuuga heiress, who they all knew actually worshipped Naruto, but had been all but forced into the original club by Tenten, and now only stayed because it was the only time she got to hang out with all of her female friends at once. Tenten herself was currently away on a mission, but no doubt would not escape whatever the Hokage had in store for them. Hana Inuzuka, Kiba's older sister, Kiyoko and Kiyomi, identical twins who were nurses from the hospital, even Moegi from the old Team Ebisu was there. One girl she didn't recognise was sitting down the end of the bench, looking more than a little embarrassed to be there. She must have been one of the silent members. From what Ino could recall, there were three of those at last count, she wondered where-

The door suddenly burst open, and a very red-faced chuunin burst out, all but running from the wrath of the woman within.

"You lot, get in here!"

Hearing a chorus of nervous gulps, including her own, Ino edged nervously into the room followed by the rest of the women to stand in front of their terrifying Hokage.

But as the woman in question looked up from her papers to the group in front of her a charming smile broke across her face. Somehow, that worried Ino even more.

"Now," She began as she seemed to be counting their numbers, and hearing the door open again they all turned and looked as Shizune slinked quietly inside with a fierce blush on her face, joining those in front of the desk instead of standing next to the Hokage as she usually would have. "Ah, there you are Shizune, can't hide forever, I recognised your alias almost immediately. You know, you really should change it occasionally if you want to retain anonymity."

Ino didn't think it possible, but Shizune managed to turn even redder.

The Hokage consulted the sheet of paper before her again. "Looks like we're just waiting for one more then."

Suddenly the door burst open, and a slightly blood-splattered Sakura ran in, skidding to a stop before the desk. "Sorry I'm late, shishou!" While Ino gaped incredulously at her, the Hokage looked at the front of her medic coat pointing a horrified shaking finger at it, and paling visibly before them.

Sakura looked down at her front and gave a squeak of surprise, quickly tearing off the coat and bundling it into Shizune's waiting arms who promptly proceeded to toss it out the door and into the corridor before slamming the door closed again. The Hokage composed herself.

But Ino still looked horrified. "Forehead, you rotten cow! You said you refused to stay in the club when it 'wasn't dedicated to Sasuke anymore'." She mimicked a ridiculous tone.

"Well, I could hardly abandon Sasuke so blatantly! He was still my teammate, after all."

"Then what the hell are you doing here," She leaned over to look at the list of names on the Hokage's desk, "...Chieko, I presume?"

Sakura huffed. "Well...I guess I did agree with you all, but I couldn't let Sasuke find out!"

"You coward!"

"Don't you call me a coward, Ino-pig!"

"ENOUGH!"

Tsunade banged her fist down on the desk hard enough to send long splinters cracking though the hundred year old wood. "For kami's sake, will you two stop bickering, or I swear I _will_ find someone else for this mission, and I don't think you would be very happy about that!"

All eyes snapped to their Hokage at that. Mission sounded a great deal better than punishment. But what mission could she possibly have planned that only included the members of a fan club?

Tsunade slumped into her chair now that she finally had their full attention.

"As I said, I have a mission for you all. One that is completely unprecedented, and _top_ secret. Therefore, I shall require all of your assurances that word of this mission shall not leave this room."

They all nodded in firm agreement.

Tsunade looked at them seriously.

"I am commissioning each of you with seducing Itachi Uchiha."

Tsunade had never thought she would see nine girls faint at once, but there it was.

* * *

"Y-you w-w-w-w-w-want us to...w-what?" Hinata had turned into a berry. A red berry with blue-black hair. The rest of the girls just stood there drooling, with heart-shaped eyes and their mouths opening and closing like they were goldfish.

But Tsunade had had about enough of these antics. She clapped her hands together sharply. "Alright girls! Enough of this nonsense, pull yourselves together! You are Konoha shinobi and this is a very important mission!"

Ridiculously hormonal fangirls they were, but at heart, they were professionals, and this drew them out of their zombie like state to snap to attention before their leader.

"Good. As I said, I want you to take this mission very seriously. It is of the utmost importance that Itachi Uchiha be in a serious relationship by the end of the year, so we don't have a lot of time to waste."

Hinata opened her mouth to protest, but the Hokage cut her off. "I know," –she looked at Hinata as she said this- "That some of you may not be in the club for the same reason as others, and that you may not _actually_ be interested in dating the Uchiha," Ino snorted incredulously at the very concept. "_But-_" The Hokage glared at her in response, "Nevertheless I want you _all_ to do this wholeheartedly. Think of it as you would any seduction mission outside of the village. While it would be beyond wonderful if one of you could actually enter into a meaningful long term relationship with the Uchiha, all I am really interested in at this stage is kick starting the currently non-existing hormones of the frigid little shit."

"Hey!" Several voices cried in indignation at the belittling of their idol.

"Oh, give it a break. Be honest, have you ever seen your beloved Itachi with a woman?"

They all looked at each other questioningly. "Well, no, not exactly." One of the twins.

"I would bet my bottom dollar that not one of you has seen Itachi show the slightest bit of interest in a single woman. Ever."

"What's your point?" Ino rudely dropped all formalities at the implied insinuation that there may be something wrong with her beloved Itachi.

"My point is simply that this mission is not going to be a walk in the park. You are all attractive women," Ino muttered under her breath about some being better than others, but the Godaime ignored her, "But that is not going to be enough to win over this Uchiha. You will need to be clever. Use your brains, you're all smart girls. Get creative, think outside the square. I want this to be a fierce competition between you. We don't know what kind of woman he likes so it could be any one of you. You are all very unique, find your own strengths and use them to their full advantage. Never falter from your goal! Because I'm telling you, the one who melts _that_ Uchiha's heart can truly call herself a woman."

Ino and Sakura glared daggers at each other across the floor.

_That's right, Sakura. _Ino's lip curled up in a sneer. _It's game on._

* * *

The Hokage leaned back in her comfortable chair in her now empty office and smiled greedily as she took a swig from her sake-laced tea.

She had whipped those fangirls into a frenzy as easily as if she were waving a slab of steak in front of a pack of half-starved hounds, and now she had unleashed them upon said slab of meat. The fight over the tasty morsel would be monumental, she had no doubt, but at the same time, _highly_ entertaining.

She decided to round up a few of the older shinobi, to start taking bets on who would be the champion.

She pressed the intercom, and Kotetsu's familiar voice drawled through. "Hokage-sama?"

"Get me Jiraiya, Kakashi, Asuma, Kurenai, Gai, Ibiki, Genma, and yourself and Izumo for a meeting in my office in thirty minutes." He went to reply and she cut him off. "Wait, scratch that, not Izumo, he's too much of a loudmouth." She could practically feel Kotetsu's eye twitching through the speaker at the insult to his life partner, especially when considered that Gai and Genma were in that list, both known to be some of the loudest mouthed shinobi in the five nations.

The reply came through audibly gritted teeth. "Yes, Hokage-sama."

She sighed with contentment. Kami bless that Fugaku and his entire pompous clan. If everything went as she thought it would, this was going to be a very lucrative undertaking for her. Each shinobi could choose a kunoichi and assist them with their mission, providing information regarding any titbits of info they already knew about the Uchiha, or were able to glean. They would place their bets, and if their kunoichi snagged the ultimate prize then waves of golden ryo would rain from the sky.

She grinned evilly, feeling the flush of her almost certain success already.

She knew exactly which bitch she would be backing.

* * *

**A/N: P.S. I _love_ reviews, they make me write faster. Go on, it's right there - Just one or two words and hit post...you can do it!**


End file.
